Developing Self Confidence

 Joan was a great Mum and a great wife. She really carried the whole family. Her husband Bill was a good worker, but he was quiet and retiring. She used to try to get him to come out of himself, to stand up for himself. She would pay him compliments, but he had a funny way of dodging compliments.
Joan might say, “You’re great with the kids”, and Bill might say, “Well, it’s you they really like.” Or she would say, “You spoke well at the meeting tonight”, and he would say, “I left out part of what I was supposed to say.” Or she would say, “The boss told me the other day that you’re one of their best workers”, and he might say, “He doesn’t really know me.” Eventually she gave up. It is so tiresome to give compliments only to find that they are constantly being palmed off or not believed.
If we have some sickness, we generally have certain symptoms. Well, Bill was suffering from self-doubt and his main symptom was that he would very often say things like “I should have done better” or “I should have tried harder.”
A lot of our ideas about what we should do can be traced back to what people said to us when we were children. Let’s say I’m five years old. I’m building a cubbyhouse. Dad comes along and watches. I feel good. Then he says, “You shouldn’t do it that way. Do it this way!” I thought I was on the verge of a real breakthrough in building cubbyhouses! Now I have to do it his way. I suddenly lose all interest in the cubbyhouse, and I sulk off.
Joe was a good kid. He wasn’t brilliant but he worked hard. However, when he showed his Dad his term report, his father would usually say, “You should have done better than that!” One day, when the report was worse than usual, his Dad said, “You’re useless! You’ll never amount to anything in life!”
Comments like that can destroy a child’s confidence. After hearing such things again and again, children can come to believe them and come to see themselves as indeed “useless”.
After many years of hearing shaming words, we do not need a judgmental Dad or Mum to put us down. We can do it all on our own! We can come to believe that we are lacking, that we are not good enough. We can sit in harsh judgement on ourselves. When we get to this stage we need the help of others. Fortunately, just as negative remarks from others can damage our self-confidence, positive remarks from others can repair the damage and build up our confidence.
If I am lucky enough to meet someone who “believes in me”, then I too might come to believe that I am good … weak perhaps, not brilliant at school perhaps … but good. I might also come to believe that God loves me just as I am.
As we grow up, we learn that we can work out things for ourselves. I don’t have to live up to others’ expectations. I can set my own goals. If I get there, I rejoice. If I don’t, I admit it to myself and have another go, or maybe drop that particular project.
If parents can encourage children to do their best and let them know that that is good, then the children will move beyond self-doubt to self-confidence. And then, as they grow to maturity, they will be able to live their own lives! 

                                                                                                                                                         John Martin CSsR

[Appeared in NIB Vol 27, No. 3  May 08]